If F1 Teams Were Movie Characters

With F1 silly season still brewing and the driver’s market still trying to settle itself, it is time for a silly F1 article. While there are a few movies about F1, such as Grand Prix (1966) and Rush (2013), the teams themselves are bigger than life characters. With that in mind, it would be a fun opportunity to examine what iconic movie character each F1 team matches both on and off the grid.

Alfa Romeo: Q, “James Bond” franchise

Since rejoining F1 in 2019, Alfa Romeo could best be described as wallpaper. The team is there on the grid, but you barely notice them in the race except for when they do something good or bad. Despite being on track for their best finish since returning to F1, Alfa Romeo’s performances have gone off the cliff following their early season success.

Given all of that, one of the best wallpaper characters in movie history is Q from the James Bond franchise. He has his moments, both good and bad, but he serves little purpose to the story aside from giving Bond technical help at the start or partway through the film. You see him, enjoy him, then move on. That is Alfa Romeo in a nutshell.

AlphaTauri: Kevin McCallister, Home Alone

Red Bull’s sister team is very much the younger, less successful sibling of the relationship. Originally known as Toro Rosso before their rebranding, has only two wins and two additional podium finishes since their first season in 2006. When the team has standout performances, like in Baku this season, it stands out and gains high praise for the drivers.

In a way, AlphaTauri is Red Bull’s Kevin McCallister to their buzz. Red Bull earns praise and success every week, on and off the grid. Meanwhile, AlphaTauri has mid-table level performance with extremely charismatic drivers. On the occasions when AlphaTauri catches the proverbial Wet Bandits, they get an immense amount of praise before being forgotten again by the next race. Red Bull should try not to forget Yuki when traveling on Christmas though, or the good doctor may reach Catherine O’Hara-levels of yelling “Yuki”!

Alpine: Captain Jack Sparrow, “Pirates of The Caribbean” Franchise

So far in 2021, Alpine has been F1’s agent of chaos. Teammates battling on track causing them losing time and track position as a result, check. A driver contract catastrophe unlike anything in modern F1 times, yep. The team principal who seems disconnected at times, totally. All while being in a battle for the best of the rest in the Constructer’s Championship. Who does all of that mess line up with?

Captain Jack Sparrow, the eccentric and hilarious pirate who sails the seven seas is the embodiment of Alpine. In his first scene of the franchise, he sails into harbor in the crow’s nest of a ship. The epic shot is soon interrupted by his siliding down on a rope to reveal that the ship is really a small singy that is flooding profusely. As he finally pulls into the harbor, he rides in the crows nest as the dingy sinks into the harbor and he steps onto the dock. That scene alone is the embodiment of Alpine handling driver contracts this season.

Aston Martin: Richie Rich, Richie Rich

Aston Martin, previously Racing Point, is run by Canadian billionare Lawrence Stroll. His son, Lance Stroll is one of the team’s drivers. The comparison makes itself.

In Richie Rich, Richie’s father gives him everything a kid could dream of: baseball lessons from Yankees players at his house, an in-house McDonalds, Claudia Schiffer as his aerobics instructor and so on. But the one thing he lacks is actual other kids to be friends with because he is being groomed to take over for his father when the time comes. Much like Richie has no kid friends, has anyone ever met a Lance Stroll fan? I’m not saying Lance is going to take over for Lawrence, but Lance is racing in F1 because his father owns the team. Some other team would maybe sign him, but that’s no guarantee.

Ferrari: The Three Stooges, The Three Stooges TV Shows

The iconic slapstick comedy trio, which had six different members during their run, is the epitome of the modern operating state of Ferrari.

Their gluttony for physical punishment for viewer enjoyment mirrors how every non-Ferrari fan views Ferrari today. Instead of poking each other in the eyes or hitting each other with wooden beams, the Tifosi are subject to watching their beloved team forget tires, botch strategy and everything they can do to throw wins into gravel traps. Just as people watched to see what the Stooges were up to next, F1 fans wait with bated breath to see what Ferrari blunder await us every race weekend.

Haas: Axel Foley, “Beverly Hills Cop” franchise

The sole American team on the grid is a proverbial fish out of water in the F1 space. The team is yet to find consistent success in F1, which could be attributed to either failing to develop a competitive car or not having drivers who can max out the car. If Drive to Survive has made one thing clear about Haas, their foul-mouthed, joking team principal Guenther Steiner is by far the best part of the team. If the team is simply Steiner’s Ship, there is an easy answer to who Haas would be.

The entire Beverly Hills Cop franchise is centered around Detroit police detective Axel Foley ending up in Beverly Hills, California to solve a wild caper. The fast-talking, wild detective, played by Eddie Murphy, is a fish out of water in the luxury of California’s rich and famous, but he manages to make things work and solve the case. With F1’s misfit team being most famous for its charismatic team principal, the choice is obvious.

McLaren: Bernie Rose, Drive

Despite being one of the legacy F1 brands, McLaren is yet to match the heights they’ve reached prior to the hybrid era. In 2018, they promoted Zak Brown, a no-nonsese fromer American racer, from his Executive Director role at McLaren Technology Group to CEO of McLaren Racing. Since his arrival, the team expanded racing operations and brought in star talents like Lando Norris and Oscar Piastri. The team also, under Brown’s leadership, has had its contreversies, some of which stem from comments mad by Brown himself.

In such a way, McLaren at the moment feels like Bernie Rose from Drive. Albert Brooks’ brutal, no-nonsese gangster feels like a match for Brown’s personality from what we’ve seen. Additionally, part of Drive involves Bernie being convinced to invest in a race car by a mechanic. So, business and personality meet in Bernie Rose from Drive.

Mercedes: Ivan Drago, “Rocky IV”

For the better part of the last decade, Mercedes were the villain of F1. They nailed the 2014 regulation changes and never looked back on their way to seven straight titles. Their car produced speed, cornering and reliability that no other team could match. The Silver Arrows were an unbeatable force, an object that no one could outlast, like Ivan Drago.

In Rocky IV, Drago is the perfect specimen, a man scientifically trained to be a weapon of death in the ring. The only reason he was defeated was that Rocky managed to outlast him with his pure determination and grit……..much like how the 2021 season played out.

Red Bull: Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, “Top Gun” franchise

Love them or hate them, they get the job done. Christian Horner, Helmut Marko, Adiran Newey, Max Verstappen and Sergio Perez are the best team in F1 right now. Since entering in 2005, the Milton Keynes operations has won 5 Drivers Championships and 4 Constructers’ Championships. The only team better than them in that span in Mercedes. With two more titles on the cards this season, the Red Bull Era may be upon us once again.

Of all the teams in F1, Red Bull embodies the attitude of Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. The car is a speed demon in a straight line that no other team can match. Along side that, Max Verstappen is ice cold behind the wheel of the RB18. Behind him, Checho is possibly the most willing wingman in F1 after Abu Dhabi last year. Where fans draw the line though is the antics Christian Horner and Helmut Marko get up to on a yearly basis. The ever contreversial figures are never afraid to stir the pot, even though they can often be more right than they aren’t. In Top Gun, the Navy needs Maverick. In F1, the sport needs Red Bull.

Williams: Adonis “Donnie” Creed, Creed

Many new F1 fans may not know how legendary and successful Williams are in F1. The nine-time Constructors’ and seven-time Drivers’ Champions are one of the legacy brands in F1 today. Yet, the F1 hybrid era slowly turned Williams from a midfield titan into a back-of-the-grid team . Under new ownership now, the brand looks to be taking a step forward in its return to success. Those moves, in turn, provide a redemption arc and underdog story that is hard not to root for every race.

That story is why Williams is Adonis Creed. After the Rocky franchise’s post-Rocky IV failures, it was clear that new blood was needed. Enter Adonis “Donnie” Creed, the illegitimate son of Apollo Creed. After a troubled childhood, Donnie gives up his finance job to pursue his passion, boxing. With Creed blood, he has desire to prove that he is worthy of the Creed name. Not long after, he quickly ends up in a match for the World Light Heavyweight Championship.

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